Citizen Soldier and Suicide ( ; )

This is not an easy subject at all but bear with me. How many times have you not been okay, felt alone in a crowded room? Have these thoughts ever centered on something more severe? More detrimental? Today we will touch on a very sensitive and controversial subject. Suicide. If this is a subject you are not ready to get into, please do not continue reading.

For starters, I have felt this same way many times, and it is a hard place to pull yourself out of. I can tell you one thing; it is not a call for attention but a cry for help. Therefore, I want to share some excerpts from Citizen Soldier’s song; I am not okay (I will link this below.) This song is perfect for reflecting on the thoughts and feelings that many of us have. This is not a way to cure this. There is, unfortunately, no cure. However, there are ways to manage it, even make it more…bearable if possible.

Let’s start with the first three excerpts, “Cause being who I really am has only left me more alone, I am not okay, and I need you to see it. I have so much to say and no one to hear it.” This line is powerful. It represents something familiar when we try to reach out. First, it is we are seeking attention. Then, when an attempt is made or death, the people ask why they have never heard of it or talked to them about it. And it is as simple and yet as complex as these lyrics. We reach out, yet no one will listen. This reverts to the first line where we have to hide who we really are to get through life but that mask breaks and fades with time. Here we can find a place to discuss this terrible experience in an area where you are not alone. You may still feel alone and forgotten, but hopefully, you will see there are others you can connect with here that will help pull you from the darkness that surrounds you.

The following excerpt is, “I always feel like a burden, let it silence me.” Being honest with others or specific responses often makes us feel this way. The pain we feel, depression, anxiety, and many more can make us assume that everyone around us sees us as nothing but a bother or a waste. It can even cause us to shut down and believe that no one cares enough to listen, so we go to silence. A coping mechanism we have grown accustomed to. The mental pain you feel inside you can become so excruciating and unbearable when you deal with these emotions alone. Write these emotions down, rip the letter if you have to, burn it, throw it away, hit a tree (not to injure yourself) let that pain out in some way. Even if it only releases just a little. Do not hold onto it, letting it build inside you.

No one can make you feel like you’re not a burden but yourself and that there is a catch-22. This toxic shame can eat us alive. You can change your inner critic, but it takes time. It takes affirmations in place of negative thoughts, which is extremely difficult. And at first, when I did it, I thought it was useless; honestly, I found it was the complete opposite. There are ways to counter these thoughts and feelings, but the best way to do this is by seeing what works for you instead of someone else promising some universal cure that only makes things worse.

The final and perhaps most sensitive excerpt is “My life is invisible, I’m either judged or have to hide. The only symptom you can see is I don’t want to be alive.” Now, this is hard. It is difficult to explain. Sometimes suicidal ideation is obvious other times, it is not. And there are times were no words, no amount of coping can help. If you have ever, and I mean ever, felt you were coming to an end ready and planned, call or text 988! ( Call Chat Official Website). Now, this may sound stupid, but I, in fact, for the first time, used it the other day. It wasn’t as foolish or wrong as I thought it would be. It wasn’t rushed, and the counselor was patient. There was no “how does that make you feel” or “It gets better in time,” It was someone who genuinely listened as long as I talked. Sometimes when we get to our breaking point, we need someone to listen, vent, and remind us of any reason to live.

However, as I stated before, none of this may help you. So, if you have a support system, have someone stay with you and check on you to ensure you are okay and safe. And if you do not have anyone willing to do this for you, check yourself into a mental hospital or a suicide watch. This does not in ANY sense make you weak, selfish, or give up. One of the most challenging things you can do is ask for help. All this may sound easy; after all, there would be no suicides if it were that simple. However, I will say this, and it may cause some backlash. It is not selfish; those struggling have things going on in their brain: chemical imbalances that simply cannot go on for reasons only they can understand. Is it devastating for friends and family? Absolutely but it is not a reason to criticize the person. This may have been the exact reason that has put them there.

I know this was a hard post, and I am proud of you if you made it to the end. As I stated before, I will leave a link to the songs we reviewed in this post, and below, I will link some resources for those who just might look for more information. And if there are any other topics you want me to discuss, please leave them in the comment section below.

The Song:

Other resources: